Why nice guys finish last
By Ali the Sexpert
February 13, 2008
 I often have people ask me why women date jerks instead of the nice guy. The guys who say this to me consider themselves to be a nice guy, but what does this really mean?
You’ll often hear nice guys finish last, but do they really finish last or is this just a social myth?
It turns out that nice guys don’t finish last. However, this social stereotype still persists and I would like to inform you why you should not believe in it.
Defining Nice Guys
Socially, this term refers to a guy who is often a woman’s friend, but he would not be considered her romantic partner in a heterosexual relationship.
When women say they want a nice guy, this confuses some people because it is such a non-descriptive, average sounding term.
Some guys who feel they are nice exhibit characteristics such as shyness, passiveness, someone who listens or someone who is not dominating. But aren’t these traits that women are really looking for in a man?
According to Dan Bacon a self proclaimed “reformed nice guy” who writes for www.themodernman.com, women are looking for some of the above characteristics, but not all of them. The website says that the modern nice guy has the following characteristics: socially confident and believes in himself, a man who is assertive, knows how to flirt, challenge her, take on a masculine interaction, respect her, and uses humor.
Bacon says that nice guys often fear rejection, judgment, or fear they will be laughed at so they do not take the necessary risks to know how to approach women. According to Bacon, being a passive nice guy is damaging for a guy’s dating life.
Evidence that the Nice Guy Paradox is Not True
 Women often say they want to date sweet, sensitive guys who are in touch with their emotions.
According to Urbaniak and Kilmann (2003) both niceness and physical attractiveness were positive factors that women considered desirable in choosing a male partner. They conducted a behavioural experimentation study where 48 heterosexual females who attended college were given a script to participate in a Dating Game scenario and they had the option to choose one of three men to consider for: a marriage partner, steady boyfriend, platonic friend, as a sex partner or a one night stand.
The women had to choose between an average neutral guy and one of three personality types that ranged from a nice guy (who was kind and attentive), a neutral guy and a jerk or bad boy type.
The participants would read the script for one of the three personality types and had to decide if she would rather date the average guy or one of the other three types (including the nice guy).
The research results indicated that women rated the nicer guys as much more desirable. The results also found the attributes women are seeking in a man depend on the relationship context.
When women were not serious about a guy, they would rather seek a man who is physically appealing to her and who has a good sexual track record.
However, when women were looking for a longer-term partner, they desired a man who is intelligent, warm and kind (the nice guy qualities). This research is based on self-reports from women, which is problematic because it does not indicate the type of man they actually end up with, but what their preferences of men are.
Therefore, women’s choices of men may not actually be what they say they prefer. According to a study done by Jensen-Campbell, Grazanio and West (1995), women preferred men who were more agreeable instead of men who are more physically attractive. However, if a woman prefers to have a partner with more sexual experience then it is likely she will choose the more physically appealing man.
In a follow up to the first study, Urbaniak and Kilmann conducted the same experiment but with more women.
The results indicated that both niceness and attractiveness were important factors, however, niceness was still the most significant factor. Therefore, the nice guy paradox that they finish last is not true according to the research.
Some theories listed by the authors are that the stereotype is based on an illusion and it is just a way to describe men who are not socially aggressive or dominant (the alpha male) type in their dating style. They also argue that aggressive men may know how to talk to women differently, and they may have better social skills because they are less shy. Perhaps nice guys are a minority? This theory is true if you look at the way men are socialized.
Men are socialized to be dominant, aggressive alpha male types. These aggressive types are called bad boys – who have a sense of adventure and intrigue, but these men are not usually considered for long-term partnerships. These men are more consistent with a macho jerk attitude.
Dominance is attractive to some women; however it does not seem to be the majority. Another theory the authors proposed was that nice guys must share similar interests with the woman, yet have their own unique interests separate from hers.
Conclusion
 One theory they did not consider that might be important is dating patterns in modern society and the longevity of relationships.
If nice guys are more often considered for longer-term relationships, then perhaps women are not always looking for long-term relationships?
Perhaps they go through a phase where they like to date different types of guys, or date men more for fun and attractiveness then for longer-term qualities? So if this is true, is it really that bad that nice guys have to wait a little longer to find a woman?
If they end up with them in the long run perhaps it is worth the wait even if it does seem like a long time. Or perhaps nice guys should learn from the research and advice being given about how to adopt some of the more assertive and attractive social characteristics (such as flirting or using humor to win her over.
There is no magical solution; however, it seems that these suggestions might help nice guys be both nice as well as find ways to become more datable by meeting women’s modern desires in a partner.
Ali the Sexpert is a researcher and teacher in the field of sexuality. She has an Honours B.A. in Sociology (Windsor); a MA degree in Sociology (Windsor); is currently pursuing a second MA in Social Work. Campus Kiss is currently syndicated at universities across Canada.
|
